The Raging Lovepole
by petvampire
Summary: Pure humor Turkfic. Rated for language, implied TsengReno, and our favorite Turk leader's obsession with dirty romance novels.


**Author's Note:** Ah yes, the immortal "raging lovepole." This phrase came from a rather entertaining conversation with a friend about people's odd terminology for the male anatomy. Of course, I ended up falling over and laughing for somewhere around twenty minutes when she told me someone had actually said that, and from then on it just had to become a story.

So enjoy. And don't forget to share your raging lovepole with your friends.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He wasn't entirely sure where it had all started. Maybe the Turks had been drinking too much coffee in preparation for their late-night mission, or maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe it was just Reno being Reno. Maybe it was drugs, or maybe the redhead was completely delusional. All Rufus Shinra knew was that he didn't have any idea what the _hell_ was going on.

"Come onnn, Tseng! I want to _impale _you on my _raging lovepole!_"

A blonde brow raised slightly as Rufus watched a very harried Turk leader pass the hallway outside of his office, hotly pursued by an apparently hyper Reno, his uncharged EMR held in an outstretched hand. A slight frown curved his lips as he glanced towards Elena, masterfully suppressing laughter at something or another. "What in the name of all gods is he talking about?"

"His raging lovepole, sir."

"... Ah."

The ShinRa president lapsed into silence again. Across the room, Rude looked as though he was about to burst out into a spate of snickers at any moment.

What was going _on_ with his Turks?

------------------------------------------

It was the morning after a late night, and they were still hovering in the empty house across from the dive bar waiting on their target, some scumbag drunk who had lucked his way into getting ShinRa information. Why the assignment had necessitated the presence of all four of the Turks was beyond any of their grasps; they had taken the orders and gone with it, assuming there was some danger to be had.

But waiting around all night was dull work. It wasn't the kind of job that required silence, just one person keeping a sharp eye out for the target. So they occupied themselves in idle conversation, a couple of poker games, until even that all became horribly boring. Elena was sitting in a beaten-up chair with her chin propped on one hand; Rude was half-dozing standing up in the corner; Tseng was on watch, as he usually insisted on being. And Reno was pacing like a caged animal, the continuous sounds of his footsteps over a very faintly creaking floor enough to drive a saint to violence.

Tseng was not a saint; he was a Turk. And he had been coping with some serious Reno-based frustration already.

"Will you just sit down already?" The snapped words were irritated, accompanied by a quick flicker of a glare back at the redhead, though Tseng didn't turn his gaze from his post for long. Reno sidled to a halt, looking at his superior with a rather absurd pout on his lips.

"But I'm _bored_, yo!"

"Reno. I don't care." Blunt, but true. "This is a mission, not some party to entertain you." They were Turks; they were supposed to be focused on the job. Even if the job was taking a damned long time to come out of that bar...

Letting out a rather rude sound, Reno flopped onto the floor, leaning his back against the wall with the gunshot holes in it. "Well, you could at least talk or somethin'," he grumbled, one hand raking restlessly through the spikes of red hair in the way that Tseng absolutely hated. "Rude's conked out, and the rookie's run outta things to say..."

Elena raised her head only long enough to shoot a passing, half-hearted glare at the redhead.

"C'mon, bossman. Enough with the strong silent act, gimme some conversation!"

Tseng let out an inward sigh, and slowly turned away from the window. Reno would only bother him to death if he pretended not to hear the Turk. "Elena. Take watch." The blonde nodded and levered herself out of her chair, which the Wutaian took, shooting a hard glance at the redhead on the floor.

Reno didn't look at all shaken by his superior's glares. He seldom did. The redhead had an air of self-assurance that he wore as easily his rumpled uniform (that always was getting snide comments from the neat head Turk), one that was difficult to break through. He was the kind of person who no insult ever touched, who shrugged off complaints with a wry grin, ignored others' less-than-favorable reactions with careless aplomb. Certainly he wasn't about to be bothered just because his superior was glaring at him; that happened just about every ten minutes or so, for Reno.

"Well, yo? You plannin' on saying anything, oh infallible leader?" The man's tone was as sarcastic as ever, aqua eyes bright with amusement. He was trying to goad Tseng into something, even if it was just a moment's speech.

Lips were pressed into a tight line, the Wutaian's face completely blank and level as ever. He would not oblige... Just because the younger Turk was deliberately trying to irritate him into submission. With one graceful gesture, he reached into an inner pocket of his suit coat, withdrawing a black-covered book that he silently opened and lay against his knee, concentration going to the even typeface on the pages.

There was a momentary silence. The redhead's foot tapped against the floor, the rhythmic beats too loud and purposely irritating. Even Rude shifted in his corner, though he was back to his half-doze within the moment. Elena glanced back at the pair, quirked a brow, and returned to her watch. And Tseng still refused to even raise his gaze. Wouldn't give Reno the satisfaction.

"... what'cha readin'?"

A slight hint of a frown, the barest crease appearing between dark brows. Not exactly the extent of reaction Reno had been hoping for, but he was a persistent little bastard if anything. Leaning forward, elbows propped against his splayed knees, the redhead spoke up again, chuckling to himself, one hand tugging at the goggles situated on his forehead. "Bet it's some kinda ShinRa stuff - bringin' paperwork to a stakeout, yo?"

Tseng calmly turned a page.

But a Turk was not to be deterred. It wasn't in the job description. Wrinkling his nose, Reno pushed himself up, hesitating barely for a moment. He was relying on speed more than the element of surprise; all of the Turks knew from years of practice that Tseng was always observant, always on guard. Still, the redhead went for his moment, snatching the nondescript book up with deft hands, managing to dance out of reach with his stolen prize.

The cold Turk leader rose, and Reno knew he was in for it, but that didn't stop him as he slouched back against the wall, flipping through the pages of the paperback in his hand. Aqua eyes widened with surprise, and at once the redhead let out a bark of laughter that could probably be heard by the Turks' target, across the road safely ensconced in the bar. The outburst continued, the slender shoulders shaking with mirth as Reno fairly howled with laughter, drawing the attention of all the rest of his team. Elena was distracted from the window, Rude broke abruptly out of his dazed state, and Tseng for once looked anything but composed, about to completely lose it.

"Holy _fuck_, boss! You actually _read_ this bullshit?" He thumbed through another few pages, catching sight of another passage that doubled his amusement. " 'Her bosom heaved as she slid over him, impaling herself on his raging lovepole'? _Raging lovepole_, yo?" The redhead was almost dying laughing, and his amusement was catching, as Rude snickered in the corner and Elena bit her lip to keep from laughing outright, knowing things would be difficult enough with her usual partner without her giggling at him.

A promise of dangerous anger in his eyes, the head Turk caught his subordinate by the wrist of the hand holding his book and the collar, half-dragging Reno out of the main room in which they were situated, kicking shut the door to what had once been a kitchen.

Rude glanced over at his blonde co-worker. "Twenty bucks says he murders him."

Elena let a low chuckle escape now, turning back to the window with a knowing look in her eyes. "I'll take that bet."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" 'Raging lovepole' _this_, you insolent little..."

"Fuck, Tseng -- !"

-------------------------------------------------

The pair of Turks crossed his line of vision again, Reno's bizarre comments continuing, apparently specifically designed to harass the cold Wutaian still discreetly attempting to flee from him. Rufus contemplated commanding them into his office, demanding an explanation for what was going on, but it wasn't worth it. Tseng could handle... whatever it was that was happening out there.

With a low sigh, the ShinRa president returned his attention to the paperwork before him. One of these days, he was really going to have to find out what went on during these stakeouts.


End file.
